Random Tales
by animedragongirl
Summary: Complete from lack of attention. A collection of short drabbles filled with stupidity and peeps.
1. Havoc and the Smoking Kibble

1.Havoc and the Smoking Kibble

Havoc was dragging a bag of kibbles behind him. It was a thirty pound bag. And way too big to carry. And it was all for the stray dog that he had found.

He pulled the overlarge dog food bag through the doorway and stopped to examine the dog that was sitting on his clean kitchen floor. It barked excitedly at the smell of food. Havoc pulled a random bowl off a shelf and poured some food into it. Then he plunked it on the floor. The dog practically jumped on him to get to the food.

_I wonder what I'll name him,_ he thought. And then wondered what to do with it.

A familiar face popped into his mind…An orange haired tubby man.

_Breda,_ Havoc thought evilly. _I can bring the dog to work with me tomorrow, and sic it on Breda! That would be SO funny! He'd probably jump on top of a desk or something. And then the occupant of that desk would get mad at him, and push him off onto the floor…_He cackled wickedly.

The dog stared at his new master, and wondered why he was laughing so evilly. But all the thinking hurt his brain, so he decided to go take a nap. He wandered into the living room and went to sleep on the couch.

"That's it!" Havoc yelled. "I'll take the dog- wait, I have to name him…Okay, I'll call him…Breda's Doom! Wait…what was I doing? Oh yeah. That's it!" he repeated. "I'll take the dog to work, and sic him on Breda! Then Breda will jump onto a desk and make the desk's owner angry. They'll push him onto the floor, and my evil dog of Breda's Doom will attack him!" He paused, and looked expectantly toward Breda's Doom, who, as it were, was snoozing gently on the couch. He didn't look like anyone's doom either.

"Nice plan," someone said. "Could you light this for me?"

"What?" Havoc asked confusedly. He looked around. There was no one in the kitchen but him and the half-eaten bowl of kibble sporting a cigarette in one side. Besides, everyone knows that kibble can't talk…

"Yeah I can," said the kibble. "My name is Kibble. And will you please light this?" The kibble wiggled the cigarette. "I don't have a lighter on me."

…_Okay, so maybe it can talk_…

* * *

a/n: I got this idea after I read Office Tales by Wolfenzippo. It was called Skippy's list(chapt. 10). This is my 1st fanfiction, please be nice…equivalent exchange? You review, I write?(I promise it'll get better.) 


	2. Attack by Roy

2. Attack by Roy

"Niisan, can we _please_ get a cat?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Why not?!"

"N-what?"

"WHY NOT?!"

"Because, I hate cats. And we travel so much, we couldn't take care of one. It would die in a week," Edward Elric patiently explained.

"But I'll take care of it."

"NO."

Three days later:

Roy rubbed his hands with glee. He had finally come up with the perfect plan to anger and/or humiliatehis youngest officer. After hearing Ed's statement about hating cats, he had come up with the perfect solution. He cackled manically and put the final touches to the array he was creating.

His plan was perfect. It was revenge against what Ed had done to him a week ago…

_** Flashback:**_

Roy was walking through the office as usual, carrying his cup of coffee in one had, Ed's report in the other. He was reviewing how Ed managed to single-handedly demolished an entire town in the space of a few minutes.

"Oooh, looking good Mustang!" yelled someone.

" 'I like miniskirts'," sniggered someone else.

"Will you come into my dorm tonight?" called out a woman from someone else's department.

Roy looked confused. He had no idea what was going on. And why were people quoting his boxers?…

He sweatdropped as realization hit him.

Then he looked down.

His pants had disappeared.

And he was walking through the hall in _nothing but his boxers._

The entire hall was echoing with laughter now. And in the background, he could see Ed grinning manically and pointing to him.

**_ End Flashback_**

Roy laughed happily and activated the array.

**_ In another part of the building…_**

Ed was walking along to Roy's office because Hawkeye had commissioned him into bringing the Colonel his afternoon coffee. Ed had no idea _why _Roy needed coffee in the afternoon, but he did. And so he was bringing it to him. Personally, he welcomed the chance to snub his superior officer after last week's episode.

Something crackled overhead. Ed looked up in time to see a large, fat, _enormous_ something martilize above his head. Then the something dropped onto his head, forcing the rest of his body to comply in a visit to the floor.

"WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!" screamed Ed. He pushed off (or tried to) the grey lump on top of him. It turned it's head, and shock hit him.

There was a giant cat sitting on him. And that wasn't all. Another crackle noise, and a second giant cat(orange this time) landed on top of the grey one. It was hard to breathe. More crackling…another cat(black!) exploded onto the orange one.

Now he definitely couldn't breathe.

More crackling…white with black spots.

More crackling…and this time it's a tabby!

He needed air desperately now…but the cats wouldn't(couldn't?)get off of him! What to do, what to do…franticly, he clapped his hands as another crackling sound was heard; the cats disappeared, including the one that was now falling out of the sky. He jumped up, and took off running, with crackling above his head, but Ed dodged all the cats coming down. He paused for a moment, opened the door to the office where Hughes worked, and dashed inside.

"Hughes, HELP!" he cried. "GIANT CATS ARE FALLING FROM THE SKY! HELP- gha…"

Hughes stared at the giant cat that had appeared from nowhere(apparently) and landed on Ed. "Wow," he said, impressed. "How'd you get giant cats chasing you around out of the sky?"

Three more cats had crash-landed onto Ed by this time, and he was as purple as a grape-flavored tootsie roll pop. This time his arms were pinioned to his sides, so he couldn't clap at all.

"Get…the…colonel…" he gasped out.

"But why?" Hughes protested. He pulled out a camera. "You look so cute when you're all purple like that! Let me take a picture of you!"

"Gha," was all Ed could say.

"Okay, okay," Hughes said irritably. "What've I ever done to you?" And he left with that parting response.

**_ Roy's office:_**

"Giant cats are falling on him?" Roy asked interestedly, with wide-eyed innocence.

"Yep," Hughes said grumpily. "He wouldn't even let me take a picture when he turned all purple."

"He turned purple?" Roy asked delightedly.

"Uh-huh. Then he told me to come get you."

Roy sighed happily. "It looks like my work was a success," he said contentedly. He grabbed the paper with the cat-martilization array on it and walked to Hughes's office whistling all the way.

_** Where Ed is suffering from the lack of air:**_

Ed now resembled a fish. He was opening and closing his mouth constantly and looked cross-eyed. Roy paused for a minute staring at his handiwork. He grabbed the camera Hughes had taken out in hopes of getting lasting memories and took several pictures for a couple of seconds, enjoying the fact that he could have these for blackmail later on.

"Get…me…out…of here," mouthed Ed.

Roy sniggered, and drew another array on the back of the other one, a smirk plastering itself on his face. He held the array up to Ed's face and said smugly, "I'll activate it if you say that I am, and always will be, better than you. Oh, and that you're a little tiny fish. Come on, say it!"

Ed hesitated. Another cat landed on the ever-growing population of the pile we'll call "Giant Cat City". He nodded franticly. Roy smirked again, then touched the array. The cats vanished.

Ed rolled on his back and gasped in air to reinflate his crushed lungs. After about a minute, he got up and started to leave.

"Wait a minute," Mustang called lazily. "I believe you need to say a couple of things…"

"Not in a million years," snarled Ed.

Roy sighed with exaggerated sadness. He flipped the paper over and activated the cat-martilization array. A cat slammed into Ed.

"ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! YOU WIN!" he yelled. Roy reactivated the vanishing array.

He pulled out a recorder, and poised his index finger on the record button. "Say it," he said. He pressed the record button.

"Roy Mustang is…ugh, I have to say it?"

Roy's hand reached in the direction of the array that had caused Ed so much pain.

"Okay!" he yelped. "Roy Mustang is, and always will be, better than me! And I'm a tiny little fish!"

Ed raced out the door, and ran down the hall.

_** Two days later:**_

Ed was just walking into the mess hall, when it happened. A voice boomed out, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you what you've all been waiting for! The one…the only…Edward Elric!" A huge picture of Ed lying under a pile of cats was unrolled in the front of the mess hall. Ed's recorded voice was played. "_Roy Mustang is, and always will be, better than me! And I'm a tiny little fish!"_

Roy Mustang walked up to the picture and bowed. He grinned hugely. "I hope you have all enjoyed the fruits of my labor," he drawled smugly to the packed mess hall. "And, may I give thanks to our own dear Edward Elric for providing us with such entertainment?"

The entire mess hall roared with laughter. Ed turned beet red and sweatdropped.

"I'll get him," he said to himself through clenched teeth. "I'll get him all right…"

a/n: sorry for the long wait! School started again, and I have algebra homework…groans I promise that Ed will get his revenge. And Havoc will get Breda's Doom trained, too! Please review?


	3. The Fate of Breda's Doom

3. Breda's Doom

"Alright now….Sic Breda, boy!" yelled Havoc as he pointed to a large dummy that looked(somehow…)exactly like Breda.

In three seconds, Breda's Doom(the dog, remember?)had jumped on the poor, innocent dummy, and started licking its face in an overenthusiastic way, showing a _little_ more teeth than necessary.

"Yes!" cried Havoc. He punched the air. "Good boy! Good boy, Broom!(He had started calling it 'Broom', a cross between 'Breda' and 'Doom'.)"

The dog barked cheerfully along with Havoc's victory song of "Breda's Doom is so, so cool!", which was repeated over and over again.

"Well then," Havoc said finally, after collapsing onto the couch. He had gone into an insane victory dance as well, not long after Breda's Doom had started barking and raising a din that would wake the dead. "I'll take you to work tomorrow, and my plan will go into action!"

Breda's Doom yawned, and chewed his leg where a flea was annoying him. Hearing his master's voice, he looked expectantly at Havoc. Deciding that what Havoc said was of no importance(to him), he went back to chasing the flea.

"Hey!" yelled someone in the general direction of the kitchen. "I'm still waiting for you to light this, idiot man who owns a dog!"

"Hey, Fury," said Farman. "Did you know that Havoc is bringing his new dog in today? He named it something weird… 'Breda's Doom' or something."

"A DOG?!" screeched Fury. "A DOG! HOORAY! A DOG, A DOG, A DOG, A DOG!"

Farman shook his head in wonder at Fury's lungpower. "Yeah," he said, interrupting Fury's continued chant of, "A DOG! A DOG! A DOG!". "I saw Havoc with the little mutt. He said he trained it to be extra special so it would-_wouldn't-_scare Breda."

Havoc walked confidently into the office, Breda's Doom at his side. He waved cheerfully to Ed.

"Hi Ed!" he said cheerfully. "I heard you had a mishap with a couple of cats recently- a complete catastrophe! Oops, that pun wasn't intended," he added hastily, seeing Ed swell up with anger. "Anyway, this is my dog. His name is Breda's Doom."

"What's my doom?" asked a familiar voice. Havoc and Ed spun around to see Breda coming in through the office door. Havoc grinned, winked at Ed, and yelled, "Sic 'im, boy!" while letting go of the leash Breda's Doom was on.

Three things happened at once. Breda's Doom barked and jumped on Breda, Breda gave a scream of sheer terror at the sight of the dog, and Fury ran in dramatically, screaming something like, "WHERE'S THE DOG?!"

Breda jumped onto Hawkeye's desk, and then up to a filing cabinet. Breda's Doom continued to (attempt to)jump on Breda. However, the poor, loyal friend of Havoc slammed into the filing cabinet and knocked himself out. Both Fury AND Havoc rushed over to the dog and started sobbing so hard, that in minutes, the floor was covered in a huge puddle.

"Doggie," Fury sobbed, while Havoc said, crying, "Broom!" They continued to sob animatedly while the rest of the office looked on.

"What are they crying about?" Ed asked Farman.

"I have no clue," he said. "I think it's about the dog that just crashed into the filing cabinet that Breda is hiding on top of."

After a couple moments, Breda's Doom yawned and got up. Fury and(still?)Havoc started hugging him instantaneously. Breda's Doom, not knowing what the fuss was about, started barking and wagging his mangy tail happily.

**_Three hours later:_**

"Are you sure it's gone?" whimpered Breda from the top of the filing cabinet.

"Yes," growled Hawkeye irritably.

"Really?"

"Uh-huh."

"Absolutely?"

"Yes," she growled again.

"Positively, with a cherry on top?"

"Breda…?"

"Yeah?"

"GET DOWN HERE **_NOW!_**"

A/n-Hoped you like this one, too!

**Lluvia-the-Wolfgirl-** Thank you for the review! Yes, that chapter was chaotic…and I'd like to say that MORE ARE ON THE WAY!

Please r/r!


	4. In which it begins to rain milk!

4. In which it starts to rain milk!

Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang was, as usual, sitting behind his desk with a gun belonging to his subordinate pointed to his foot. A pen was clenched loosely in his hand, and he was absently reading a report. Someone knocked on the door.

"Yes?" he said, thankfully for the excuse not to have to read the boring and tedious report.

Al inched the door open and walked in slowly. If a suit of armor had the capacity to look guilty, than Al was defiantly ready for the world championships.

"Umm…Sir? I think I did something wrong with this transmutation," he said, holding out a piece of paper. "I was trying to get it to stop raining for tomorrow, when Ed's going to visit Winry, but…there was a rebound and I'm not really sure what happened…nothing blew up, anyway."

Roy took the piece of paper and scanned it quickly. It was for keeping it from raining tomorrow, but it would make it rain harder today…

Wait, that curved line wasn't supposed to be there. It should probably be straight. And if Al was so sure there was a rebound, then that would mean…

"**MILK!"**shrieked Ed as he slammed the door to the main office open. Everyone stared at him. "It's raining **MILK!" **

"You're joking, right?" Farman asked.

"Yeah, you're kidding us," said Havoc.

"No he's not," Fury said suddenly. "Look outside, it really _is_ raining milk! Or else it's some other white, thick substance."

"Hey, you're actually right for once!" Havoc yelled.

Ed was to disgusted by the fact that it was raining the one thing he hated(besides Mustang) to take offence. "Look," he moaned. "I'm completely COVERED in that absolutely disturbing, disgusting, toxic substance! I'll never get the smell out of my hair. I'll have to BURN my CLOTHES!"

"All you have to do is ask the Colonel," Farman said dryly.

They all stared at him. They never knew Farman had a sense of humor.

"Scary," muttered Fury, and backed away from him. Havoc was still too stunned by Farman to realize that his cigarette had gone out. And Hawkeye actually came out of Roy's office to better see why Farman had made a joke. So had Roy and Al, for a fact.

"What's that, Fullmetal?" Roy drawled.

"Nothing of your concern, but it is **RAINING MILK!** And now I'm completely covered in that Gods-be-damned **S#&!"**

"….."

"WHADDA YA MEAN, '……'?"

"…………..Yep, I always knew he would crack one day," Roy sighed.

* * *

A/n-I was running out of ideas, but then I remembered about him hating milk, and something else about someone forcing him to take a bath in that stuff. So I thought, Why not make it _rain_ milk? And the story theme was born!

If any of you people out there who care to review, if you have any ideas, just dish 'em here. I'll give you full credit too.

Please R/R!

Oh, and thanks to **Lluvia-the-Wolfgirl **and **odd-12345**! I was so happy thanks to your reviews!


	5. A visit from Winry!

5.A visit from Winry!

It was an ordinary, boring, supremely monotonous day in Central, when a familiar figure hopped off the train followed by three large bags of enormous proportions and a giant wrench that no one but the familiar figure could see.

"Come on," Winry told the obscenely large wrench that was not really there and who was her imaginary friend. "I want to sock Ed on the head with you for making it rain milk the day before he came to visit me."

"Why didn't you sock him with a wrench earlier?" asked the wrench.

"Because I didn't know you back then," Winry said with evil cheerfulness. "And you're _soooooooooooo_ much bigger than all of my other wrenches! Plus you'll probably give him a concussion when you hit him. And he just might not be able to see you. Which would be perfect, because he would be attacked by something invisible, yet deadly!"

"Okay, I didn't get one word of what you were saying, but it'll probably be fun, like eating candy or something," the wrench that no one but _maybe_ Ed could see.

When Winry walked into the office, everyone stared at her.

"Winry," Roy said nervously. "When did you get a giant floating wrench that looks capable of giving someone the size of Armstrong a concussion?"

"You can see him?" Winry asked with interest.

"Yeah," Roy said, still wary. You didn't live around Ed for long to notice that his mechanic was dangerous with wrenches.

"I can see it too," Fury put in.

"Me three! Do you want to look at some of my newest pictures of Alicia?"

"Yeah, I see it. Do you have a lighter on you? I seemed to have misplaced mine."

"What?"

"I wonder if I could shoot it…"

"HI WINRY!" shrieked Al.

"Uh-oh," muttered Ed. He and Al had just walked through the door.

"Meow," said Al's chest plate.

"Al!" yelled Ed, forgetting Winry for the moment. "Where did you get that CAT!"

With Ed's distraction, Winry picked up the giant wrench and swung it hard at Ed. There was a squishy sound, and Ed turned into a puddle of non-fat coffee.

"YEA, COFFEE!" screamed Roy. Before anyone could stop him, he had pulled this king-sized mug as big as Winry out of nowhere and was scraping it along the ground, collecting all of the coffee. He took a drink, then spit it out. "It needs sugar," he said, "and LOTS OF IT!" He then pulled a giant sugar bowl out of nowhere(again), and proceeded to dump the entire thing into the king-sized coffee mug the size of Winry. He grabbed the giant wrench and began to stir in the sugar with it. Then he leaned over and stuck his head into the mug and began to drink again. This time he didn't spit it out.

"Okay," said Havoc. "That was completely random. And why did Ed turn into coffee?"

I was going to do something a little more like him having swirly eyes, but I decided that that was too predictable and not completely random. Besides, this collection of drabbles and short stories is called RANDOM Tales, not COMPLETELY PREDICTABLE SWIRLY-EYED Tales. And blah blah blah ….

The entire cast except Hughes groaned. "Did you have to get her started on that list of reasons why Ed-should-have-been-turned-into-coffee-and-not-have-had-just-swirly-eyes? She'll go on FOREVER!" moaned Al.

"But she's so cool!" protested Hughes. "I would never have been able to list all those reasons if I was her. She's AWESOME!"

_**Awe, thanks Hughes!**_

"…er…right," muttered Fury to Al.

_**I HEARD THAT!**_

A/n-My sanity was running low today…


	6. Havoc wins the lottery!

6. Havoc wins the lottery!

"I can't wait!" exclaimed Ed. "I bought two hundred tickets this time! I'm _bound_ to win it all!"

"No way," Hawkeye said. "My tickets are luckier than yours, I'll win!"

"Will not!"

"Will too!"

"Will not!"

"Will too!"

"Will not!"

BANG.

"Will too!"

"Shut up, you bakas," said Roy. "It's obvious that _I'm_ going to win out of all you cakesniffers!"

Hawkeye and (what was left) of Ed just looked at each other. Can someone start the funeral music, here?

"Quiet everyone!" yelled Fury. "He's calling out the numbers!"

"Come on, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10," muttered Ed, going through all two hundred of his numbers.

"And the winning number is…it starts with a 2…add a 0 after that…and a 1! Number 201 wins!"

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Ed. "I was so close, SO CLOSE!"

"Who won it?" Hawkeye growled dangerously. Havoc edged nervously toward the door.

"I have no idea," said Roy. "My numbers were between 202 and 222. But I was right after Havoc in line when the booth opened!"

Crack. Roy's glass door was suddenly a glass door no more. Instead, it was a gaping hole of jagged glass points. But no one could see over the cloud of smoke in the room, and they all smelled something burning. What a surprise(not really)! The floor was on fire! Everyone ran around trying to find water to put it out. Roy was mad. "It's my job to burn stuff up," he whined.

"Water!" yelled Ed. "I need water! My jacket is ON FIRE!"

_** The Next Day:**_

"He did WHAT!" cried Roy, Ed, Al, Fury, Breda, and Hawkeye in unision.

Hughes smirked. "He took all the money and bought cigarettes and lighters. So, here's a little math lesson. If each jumbo pack of cigarettes and lighters cost 20, how many packs did he get of each? Three-quarters of the load was cigarettes, and one-fourth was lighters. He had five million dollars total."

"Okay, this is disturbing, and I thought I knew you well." Roy muttered. "First, you go all math-teachery on us, and now you know what he spent it on!"

"Well, I _am_ in Intelligence," smirked Hughes, not unlike Roy.

"And that's another thing!" yelled Roy. "_Where_ in _SEVEN HELLS _did you learn to SMIRK LIKE ME!"

**_ Havoc's House:_**

"Ahhh," said Havoc, exhaling a cloud of tobacco induced smoke.

"I'm still waiting for you to LIGHT this DAMN CIGARETTE!" screamed the kibble from the first chapter.

Havoc sighed. There was no way to shut the damn kibble up, and it scared him to much for him to just throw it away.

"Woof, woof," said Breda's Doom. Havoc looked down.

"Not you, too," he groaned. Broom had a cigarette sticking out of his mouth. "Woof," he asked with puppy-dog eyes.

* * *

A/n- Thank you guys SO MUCH(!) for reviewing! I was so happy from the cookie review from **Hayvel, the Great and Awesome, **who gave me an impossible(_I_ don't think so) amount of cookies. It was a pile containing 40038027320347200370709737561273197529345923712167391372936123975379 cookies! I was laughing and yelling "I'm so happy, this guy's sooooo nice to me!" and my sister and my friend got scared. Yep. Okay, now I'm going to ask you for info sites on alchemy, and where I can get pics and midis and mp3s! Help me? Please? offers puppy-dog look Yeah, I have a hard time finding ideas, but the evil plot bunnies help me…Oh, if you like Inuyasha, I suggest you read the Confessions Trilogy. 


	7. Creepy Fanpeople and their letters

7. Creepy fangirls and their letters.

"Hey Ed," Hawkeye said. Ed would regret ever hearing those words(he still hasn't recovered, partly because he is _still _in _their_ clutches, doing who knows what). So would the rest of the office. Especially Roy(well, maybe not).

"Yeah?"

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Uh…no," Ed said.

Hawkeye pulled this giant bag out of nowhere. "You do now!" she cackled evilly, and dumped the contents over his head. A stream of letters fell out and into a huge pile that completely buried him. Along with the letters came a score of screaming girls, and a few (shockingly)boys.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Ed. "Who are- no, that's not right- _What _are these people? Why are they screaming? And why, _why!_ _I ask you!_ WHY ARE THESE DAMN IDIOTS TRYING TO PULL OFF ALL MY CLOTHES!"

"They're fangirls and fanboys, apparently!" Hawkeye said amusedly. "They want to marry you! Isn't that sweet?"

"NO!" shrieked Ed. He clapped his hands together, and all the fans slammed into the far wall. "You'll never take me alive!" With that, he ran into the office furthest from the screaming, maniacal, rabid fans.

Now, this office was a special office. Partly because it had its own special(but secret, since the military rules strictly forbid it)liquor bar, three very large couches for ahem special reasons, three giant fans for when it was hot, a refrigerator filled with good food, and also because the occupant _also_ has a lot of rabid fangirls(and boys). And I think that you all can now guess who this occupant is. Of course, Ed despises him. And the occupant takes an extraordinary liking to tormenting Ed(but who doesn't?).

The famous Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang sat, legs propped up on his desk, steepling his fingers. "Why Edward," he said in a smooth voice as Ed crashed through his door. "What brings you to my humble(not really)abode? You don't-"

Ed ran straight to the Colonel. He grabbed Roy by his collar, spun him around, and hid behind him, quaking in terror. "Fangirls," he babbled incessantly. "And fan_boys_-All out there-save me-SCARY-Hawkeye cracked-cackling manically-how _could _she- STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAKY CREEPS!"

There was a note of silence following this statement, then Ed cringed at the sound of several people sobbing heartbrokenly.

"My Edo-kun doesn't like me!"

"Edo-cutie, how could you _do_ this to me?"

"Help, HELP!"

"I _NEED_ YOU ED!"

"But I love you!"

"EVIL FANGIRLS!"

There was a loud banging on the door. It opened, and Hughes, Al, Farman, Fury, Havoc, Breda, the Fuhrer, Envy, Scar, two dogs, Winry, and the giant wrench from chapter 5 ran inside. They slammed the door after them, then collapsed on the carpet.

"There are evil people out there!" cried Al.

"They took all of my cigarettes," moaned Havoc.

"My camera!" Hughes sobbed.

"They took all my wrenches!" shrieked Winry. "They will pay!"

"Dogs," whimpered Breda for atop a filing cabinet.

"Disgusting," retched Scar.

"Who were they?" questioned the rather pale Fuhrer.

"They're even crazier than you guys," Envy commented.

"SCARY!" Ed shrieked, still behind Roy. "They are SCARY!"

"I think we figured that out," Farman said sarcastically.

"WE WANT ED! WE WANT ED!" yelled the fangirls and fanboys outside the door.

The entire cast stared at the door. "At least they know what they want," Roy said dryly. "They want Ed, and it looks like they're not going to go unless they get him."

The entire crew looked at each other, and nodded. "Do we have to do this?" queried Al. "He _is_ my brother."

As if to answer his question, the door creaked, cracked, splintered, then buckled. The chanting became louder.

"Never mind," Al said cheerfully. "I get the picture."

Roy and Havoc grabbed Ed and dragged him to the door.

"No, NO!" cried Ed. "Don't do it, DON'T DO IT! NO! PLEASE!"

Havoc kicked the door open, and he and Roy threw Ed out to the rabid fangirls and fanboys. Then they slammed the door behind him. "Sayanora!" Roy saidin delight.

A few muffled screams came from behind the door, then there was silence. Fury cautiously opened the door, to find a room empty, but for the very evilly grinning First Lieutenant.

"Where'd they go?" asked Envy.

"Oh, they all have super fangirl and fanboy powers. They disappeared," was Riza's evil reply.

**_ In the super-evil lair of the fangirls and fanboys:_**

"We have returned triumphant!" proclaimed the leader of the Ed-hunt.

"Excellent," boomed the Fanleader. "For your success in leading the hunt, I grant you the first night alone with Ed."

**_ Dun dun duuun………_**

* * *

A/n- I know it's been a long time since I posted….things are hectic at my house. I have violin lessons, art lessons, Algebra 1 homework, and I was at the mock-trial championship with my dad….Redwood won!cheers My dad's the principal there.

I also had a little writer's block….Oh, I got the idea for this chappie after reading "Dear Ed" by That Anime Girl. And if you don't like the one-sided m/m, one of my favorite writers is gay….and I love his fanfics, they are _the_ best!


	8. Valentine's Day

8. Valentine's Day

"Oh My God!" screamed Roy, and he jumped behind his desk in fear. Of course, what he saw would have made anyone do that; some of the more fainthearted would have probably died from a heart-attack.

The entire FMA cast(excluding Ed, who was still in the lair of the rabid Fanpeople) had just walked in the door. Except that they weren't…normally attired.

They were all, in fact, dressed in little diaper-things with wings strapped to their backs. And if that wasn't scary enough for Roy, Winry, Pinako, Lust, Rose, Clare(aka Psyrin), and Riza weren't just in diapers, they also had tube-tops covering the necessary area. And that, my dear friends and reviewers, is what disappointed Roy more than the shock of seeing more parts of the Fuhrer than he cared to. Along with all the rest of the office.

They were all also carrying bows and arrows with heart-shaped heads. Except Riza. She had a gun with heart-shaped bullets instead.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" they all yelled.

Roy groped around in his pocket for his trusty gloves. Finding them, he yanked them on and counted to three. On three, he stood up, snapped his fingers, and ducked. There was a blast of wind, and little red, pink, and white confetti in the shape of hearts swirled into the room.

"Hey…what?" Roy muttered to himself in confusion, not noticing the confetti. "How come they aren't screaming in pain? Or…begging forgiveness?"

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha," laughed Hughes. "I asked Al to switch arrays for me, since I knew you would try flaming us into oblivion. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Hey, how come you didn't tell _us_ about this?" asked Envy.

"Yeah," said Lust.

"I did not know of this either," said the Fuhrer.

"Wrenchy," commanded Winry to the giant wrench, which promptly advanced on Hughes.

"Uh, don't worry, I had it all taken care of!" Hughes laughed nervously.

"Get him!" roared Havoc. "Grab the evil man who would have had us seen dead!"

"Feed him to the dogs!" cheered Breda.

"Or have him tormented by stealing his pictures," said Pinako.

"No, no," protested Riza. "I can use him for target practice!"

"Why don't you just throw him to the rabid Fanpeople?" questioned Scar.

"We'd love to take him!" cheered the rabid Fanpeople. "Then we'll have him, _and_ Ed!"

"Let's do that!" Fury said happily. "Then we can throw some genetically enhanced fuzzy dice in with him as a package deal!"

"Where're you gonna get the fuzzy dice?" asked Farman.

"That random cat over there has some," said Fury. "I think he stole them from the prison cell in the crackfic by wolfenzippo. In that one, I genetically enhance fuzzy dice to take over the world."

They all just stared at him. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And…

_**Five hours later:**_

And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared.

"Can we throw him to the rabid Fanpeople, now?" asked Breda.

* * *

A/n- Thanks for all the reviews, you guys! (sniffs) You made me all so happy! I almost started crying, too. I also have a new idea for the next chapter, which I'm going to start writing right away…I think you'll all like it… Please review, and tell me who you favorite character is, so I can get you poops, sorry, you aren't supposed to know…tell me the one you like the best, because the next chapter is gonna be soooooooooooo funny…tell me, or I'll have to give you a character that you might not like… (grins maniacally) 


	9. Everyone has Fanpeople part 1

9. Everyone has Fanpeople(part 1)!

It was a normal, boring day in the office. Breda's Doom was yapping in a corner, Breda was quivering fearfully on a large filing cabinet, Havoc was smoking, Riza was polishing her gun, Roy was drinking coffee, Farman was reading a book, Hughes was happily telling no one how cute his daughter was, Al was pretending he didn't know that the chest cavity in his armor had just meowed, Fury was playing with the fuzzy dice from the last chapter, and destinedragon was walking in through the door followed by a large crowd of people…wait, what?

"Who're you?" asked Fury. "And what are you doing here?"

"**I**,"said destinedragon(aka. "Dragon"), "**am your overlord. Well, actually I'm the author of this story.**"

"You are?" asked Havoc.

"**Well**, **duh**," said Dragon. "**How else would I have waltzed in here**?"

"You could have used the door," Farman pointed out.

"**Yeah**, **well**, **I'm the writer**,** so who cares**?" Dragon asked. Farman shrugged.

"**Anyway**,** because my reviewers are all so nice to me**," Dragon stated, "**I'm putting them in the story**.** Though**,** to be more specific**,** they get to have a vacation here, exclusively from the me, the author**.** I'm just here to make sure things don't get out of hand**.** Okay people, go to your favorite character and have fun**."

As soon as Dragon finished(and a little before), people rushed over to their favorite characters. Pure-thornless-rose rushed over to Breda's Doom in the corner. Amy Yuy, tinystarkitten, and Jazze Al-Bhed-Girl tackled Roy. Hayvel, the Great and Awesome waved a hand, and Winry appeared out of nowhere. She had, for some reason, a giant hole in the middle of her forehead. Blacbladez sauntered over to Riza cautiously. Odd-12345 started asking Farman questions. BLEEP! asked Havoc if he had lungs of steel. Lluvia-the-Wolfgirl wandered over to Al. trunksgirl85, Mrs. Edward Elric, and The Lightning Alchemist asked, simultaneously, "Where's Edo-kun?"

"**Oh yeah**," Dragon said cheerfully. "**Hang on a minute, willya**? **Thanks**," and disappeared. She reappeared almost instantly, with a tousled Ed in tow. "**Here you go**!" Ed then screamed as the three girls pounced on him happily.

**And so, boys and girls, we leave these happy people to their happy fate…**

"WE ARE NOT HAPPY!" shrieked Ed. A gunshot sounded out.

"**Oh dear**," muttered Dragon.

* * *

A/n- Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! How'd ya like it? Don't worry, there'll be a part two. I hope I haven't paired anyone in a same-sex couple…tell me and I'll change it. Oh, I'm sorry if you don't like who you're paired with, but only a few people answered my question at the end of the last chapter. And I did put up the anonymous reviewers as well. 

Please R/R!


	10. Everyone has Fanpeople part 2

10. Everybody has Fanpeople!(part 2)

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Ed. He was desperately trying to escape captivity from some of my wonderful, loyal reviewers. Ed broke free and began to run away, making for a random large window.

"Don't let him get away!" shrieked Mrs. Edward Elric, as Ed threw himself out of the window with a loud smash. Two seconds later, he reappeared, sitting dazedly on the carpeted floor.

"Didn't I just jump out a window?" he asked Dragon sadly.

"**You did**,** but since this story belongs to the reviewers**,** you have to stay with them**," Dragon said apologetically. "**But if you behave nicely**,** I**'**ll make sure you don**'**t get mauled by fangirls ever again**.** I**'**ll even throw in a free wish**."

"Deal," Ed said(hey, that rhymes!). He and Dragon shook hands.

"**You got it**," she replied.

Another gunshot sounded out. Blacbladez ducked for cover. "Whada ya mean you won't go out with me?" he asked Riza miserably.

"Are you joking? I was just kidding! You're hot!" she exclaimed, and tackled him on the floor.

Hayvel, the Great and Awesome and Winry were making out in the corner. Roy was constantly making his three fans sigh, ooh, and aah as he took on to himself the burden of making ridiculous poses, designed to make the female mind scream "AAAAAH! I WANT HIM, HE'S SOOOOOOOO HOT!"

Lluvia-the-Wolfgirl and Al were laughing and talking animatedly, while Lluvia petted the stripy cat from inside Al's chestplate. BLEEP! was gaping in astonishment as Havoc demonstrated his lungs of steel. Pure-thornless-rose was rubbing Breda's Doom's tummy happily.

_**A day later:**_

"**Well**,** at least it turned out okay**," Dragon muttered later, once everyone had gone. The rest of the cast agreed.

"That was fun," Roy said wickedly.

"I wonder when he'll come back," Hawkeye sighed morosely.

"Hahahahahahaha, no more rabid fangirls, hahahahahahaha!" Ed was chanting happily as he did a war dance of victory.

"**Now**,** did you all like how it was**?" Dragon asked.

"He's soooooo wonderful," murmured Winry.

"It was awesome," Havoc said. Breda's Doom yipped in agreement.

"Dog," whimpered Breda.

A/n- Okay, I know I was soooooooooo evil to you guys, but I've been a little busy. Technically, I'm supposed to be writing my speech for Awesome Aquifers in Science Olympiad…It's half done…

Okay, hope you guys all like your vacation! I may put in some of you guys again, like Hayvel, the Great and Awesome, and Blacbladez. Heheh, you never know….

If I don't write another chapter before Wednesday, I want you all to know this is my birthday present from me to you. Wednesday's my 13th birthday!


	11. Boyfriends?

11. Boyfriends?

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn…" Winry sighed. She started banging her head against her worktable.

"Winry? What's all that banging?" yelled Pinako.

"Nothing, nothing," answered Winry.

Winry was sad. She missed her reviewer boyfriend. It had been about a month since the reviewer vacation. What if Hayvel, the Great and Awesome(aka. "Hayvel", I'm not going to type your username over and over again) had gotten a new girlfriend? And what if he had forgotten about HER? It was to horrible to think about.

"**Moo**," said Dragon, magically appearing out of nowhere. She was wearing this tie-on udder, a pair of horns, and black gloves with a black spotted white t-shirt. "**Hey Winry**, **what**'**s** **wrong**? **You look sad**."

"I miss Hayvel," Winry whined, to distressed to notice that Dragon was acting more like a cow than a dragon.

"**Hmmmmmmm**," said Dragon, putting a hand under her chin like they do whenever people are thinking hard. It was hilarious; I mean, have you ever seen a cow-er, _dragon_ doing that? "**I see what you mean**. **I would miss Yao Pou a lot**, **too**."

"Who's he?" Winry asked, startled out of her self-misery.

"**My boyfriend**," muttered Dragon. "**But that**'**s** **not important right now**. **But since I _do _miss him right now**…" She snapped her fingers, and Hayvel and Yao Pou appeared instantly.

"Awesome!" shrieked Winry. "Thank you sososososososo much!" She jumped on Hayvel and dragged him to her room.

Dragon and Yao Pou stared at the empty space that Winry had just vacated.

"That was weird," Yao Pou said. "Is this the fanfiction you write?"

"**Yep**," said Dragon.

"Didn't you have a reviewer who liked AsumaxKakashi junk?"

"**Yeah**," said Dragon. "**I also have someone who likes RoyxEd fics**."

"That's just wrong," Yao Pou muttered.

Dragon rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "**Whatever**," she said laughing.

"Why are you wearing stuff that makes you look like a cow?"

"**Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm**…**it**'**s** **just a dare**…."

* * *

A/n- Heheheheheheheheh I am soooooooooooo evil to you all! Okay, the ending was a bit weird, but whatever. I digress. Yao Pou _is_ my real boyfriend, and he's this big Naruto fan. That's where the AsumaxKakashi junk comes in. He reads Naruto fanfiction, and he's cautioned me never to read anything with Kakashi in it. Apparently, it's always IrukaxKakshi, or AsumaxKakshi. They're slash fics.

AsumaxKakshi: Yes, I have always wanted to write a RoyxEd fanfic, and I probably will, buit my sister reads all my work and she's a biiiiig tattletale.

Please, please, _please_ review! And to see how many people actually read my story, I want to know if any of you guys out there have boyfriends or girlfriends, or if you refuse to have one because of the fact that if some FMA character ever became real, you'd want to impress them with your viginity.


	12. Happy Easter!

12. Happy Easter!

"Peeps!" shrieked Roy. He pounced on a yellow box. "Oh, how I love you…the way you crunch in my mouth, the way you look in the box, the way you feel all yummy on my tongue-"

"Ummmmm…Colonel?" Havoc asked tentatively.

"WHAT!" Roy yelled. "WHY HAVE YOU NEED TO INTERRUPT MY SPEECH TO MY FAVORITE CANDIES OF ALL TIME!"

"Those, um, aren't uh, Peeps, sir." Having said his piece, Havoc cowered down.

Roy looked surprised for a minute, then set the innocent yellow box down. _Then _he pounced on another box. "Peeps!" he shrieked(again) delightedly, and started repeating his speech.

Ed walked into the office. "What is the bastard colonel doing now?" he asked confusedly, watching Roy's creepy antics.

"Ummmmmm…" said Havoc. "I think he's obsessed with Peeps. Oh, and happy Easter! Did you know, that when I tried to…."

"**Peeps**?" Dragon said, suddenly appearing. "**Where**! **I WANT THEM**!"

"And here I was, just hoping that if she appeared, she would tone down Roy's antics a bit," muttered Ed, as Dragon started fighting with Roy over the innocent box with **NO** Peeps in it.

"**Mine**!"

"Hell no, it's MINE!"

"**Hands off it**, **idiot**!"

"MINE! YOU SHALL NEVER TAKE IT!"

"**Mrrrrowwww**!"

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

"**Hissssssssssssssssssssssss**!"

"Woof woof!"

_WAP._ Dragon stood triumphantly over Roy's swirly-eyed body, a book upraised in one hand, the box of shoe polish in the other.

"Should we tell her?" asked Havoc.

"Heck no, this'll be funny!" laughed Ed, and sat down with a bag of popcorn and a soda hat.

* * *

A/n- I was gone for Easter vacation, with hardly any computers in our hotels….once, we didn't have a computer in ours, so we went next door and pretended to be guests at that hotel in order to get on it. And I really do love Peeps. 

Happy Easter, and PLEASE REVIEW! I got like 5 reviews last time. Which is good!


	13. A puppy! Part 1

13. A puppy!

"Where is he?" muttered Roy.

"I'm gonna take pictures of him when we find him!" crowed Hughes.

"Why would you want to take pictures of Scar?" Havoc asked curiously.

"Because then I can scare all you idiots with them!" he said happily.

Ed sweatdropped. "He is soooooo not scary," he growled at Hughes's annoyingly cheerful face.

_Woof woof!_

Roy stopped and looked around. "Did anyone just hear something?" he asked cautiously. You never knew if the other people in the military could hear anything other than orders; they could also tease you mercilessly if you told them you were hearing things. That came from hard experience. He shuddered as Ed said "No," along with Havoc, Fury, Hughes, Hawkeye, the Fuhrer, Breda, and Al.

_Woof woof! _There it was again! He wasn't hearing things.

_Woof woof!_ It had come from the wall. There was a small grate, which he pulled open, reached in, and pulled out- a puppy!

Fury shrieked in joy. "HE'S SO KAWAII! Can I have him?"

Roy pretended to think for a minute. Then he asked slyly, an evil grin spreading across his face, "How much will you pay?"

* * *

A/n- I'm leaving a cliffhanger! Haha, read the next chapter(it'll be up in a few days) to see what happens to the kawaii puppy! I'm in an evil mood right now, I just finished all the translated chapters of Naruto on and it leaves you at a cliffhanger….That's why I'm so evil, heheheheheehee! 


	14. A puppy! Part 2

14. A puppy! Part 2

"Huh?" asked Fury. "Oh, ummmmm….ten bucks!"

"I'll give you twenty!" yelled Havoc. "Then I can eat it stir-fried like I've always wanted to do!"

Fury gasped. He couldn't let the kawaii puppy die like that! "Fifty!" he yelled desperately.

"One hundred," countered Havoc, grinning like a maniac.

Roy would have rubbed his hands in glee right then, if he wasn't holding the puppy. And if he wasn't wearing his gloves. He might accidentally set someone on fire. Which… now that he thought about it, would actually be pretty funny!

"Niisan, please?" Al was begging Ed.

"NO!"

"One hundred ten!" hissed Fury back.

"One thousand," Havoc said.

"Two thousand," said Breda. "I'll be able to pick on it, and it won't hurt me."

"…..where the hell did he get the courage?" Ed asked Roy.

"Kami knows."

The bidding went back and forth. They were up to one million, now. Finally, the Fuhrer stepped in.

"One billion," he said triumphantly.

"Awwww, crap," wailed Havoc. "That's all I've got!"

Breda had a lightbulb go on over his head. He whispered to Havoc, and then shouted, "We'll pool our money! TWO BILLION!"

"I'll give you a safe full of Peeps," the Fuhrer bribed Roy. He didn't need to think twice.

"Sold!" he yelled. The Fuhrer clapped his hands, and a huge door appeared in the sewer wall. It opened slowly, and inside was filled with millions of boxes of Peeps, from the Christmas gingerbread ones to the bunny ones. Within the second, the puppy was in the Fuhrer's arms and Roy was happily swimming in the vault.

"**ME WANT SOME**!" shrieked Dragon, as she appeared out of nowhere(again). Roy, to amazed at his good fortune, threw several hundred boxes to her. They both started happily munching on them.

"And now, let's get outta here," Ed said.

"We can't without the Colonel," Havoc said.

So they waited for the Colonel to finish, listening to the sounds of two very happy people eating something they like. After about an hour, there wasn't any more noise.

"Why don't you check it out, Ed?" Hughes yawned.

Ed scowled, but went anyway. Inside, there were some boxes in the corner, but it was empty. Then! The dreaded sound! A door clanged behind him, and the light disappeared.

_**Outside the vault:**_

Dragon and Roy high-fived each other.

"**That was good**," Dragon giggled.

Roy was laughing outright. "Yeah," he choked out.

* * *

A/n-Okay, it's been more like a week than a couple days…. 


	15. Ed's Revenge!

15. Ed's Revenge!

It was a clear, sunny day in Eastern. The birds were singing, the bees were buzzing, and Ed and Havoc were plotting behind a bush…..yep, just another ordinary day.

"Okay, so what's the plan?" Havoc asked.

Ed started laughing manically. "Something hilarious!" he cackled insanely.

Havoc began to laugh manically as well. The maniacal laughter sounded out like some demented evil scientist, causing several various persons to stop and look uncertainly at them. I mean, come on, there were behind a _bush_ laughing maniacally, for God's sake!

Okay, back to the story.

"Here's what we're doing," Ed said. He proceded to whisper into Havoc's ear.

"Water balloons? Crazy stampeding chickens with cheese on their feet?"

"Exactly. Now, when she runs past……"

As we leave those two to their villainous planning, Roy was drinking coffee. He sighed sadly. There was just no reproducing that specific flavor the Ed-coffee had had. Ahhh, how good it had tasted.

Dragon yawned with boredom(when I was writing this, I actually did yawn…then I yawned again. And now, whenever I read it, I yawn!) and flipped a page in her book. Her eyes scanned the page, then she turned another page. But…she was reading _backwards_…..

"How can you read that fast?" Roy asked. "And why are you reading backwards?"

Dragon glared at him. "**Rule number one**," she stated in a flat, angry voice," **do NOT disturb me when I'm reading a book**. **Rule number two**: **never question what your overlord does or her motives**."

"You're not our overlord," Roy protested. "If you were, then you'd be able to make the Fuhrer tap dance with a pineapple while singing, 'On the Good Ship Lollypop'."

Dragon rolled her eyes and pulled out a walkie-talkie-thingie. "**Get the Fuhrer**," she barked.

Ten seconds later, the Fuhrer opened the door. "Yes, Your Majesty?" he asked.

"**Can you tap dance with a pineapple while singing** '**On the Good Ship Lollypop**'?"

"Sure!"

And so the Fuhrer started tap dancing with a pineapple while singing "On the Good Ship Lollypop" at the top of his voice.

"On the goo-ood ship Loooolyeeee-pooooop…" 

Dragon fixed her death glare on Roy again. "**Happy now**?" she asked acidly.

Just then, Fury, who had been suckered in to Ed's plan by Havoc, burst into the office. "Higher-up, sir! A cup of Ed-coffee and a box of Peeps has been sighted!"

"Where!" cried Roy.

"Follow me, sir!"

Roy charged after the fuzzy-haired subordinate. Completely passing him up, he charged straight past him shouting, "Remember the Alamo!"

Unfortunately for Roy, he did not notice a sniggering Ed directing a thing upon him with a remote control…..

_**Back to Dragon….**_

"**Breda**, **where are you going**?" Dragon asked curiously.

"There is a strange building on the edge of the Headquarters, Ma'am! I have to go investigate it!"

"**Ooooo**, **ooooo**, **lemme blow it up**! **I haven**'**t** **blown up anything for a while**!"

"Sure," Breda graciously offered.

And so, Dragon went charging over to the edge of the Headquarters premises. Soon she came to a small little building that smelled terrible. As she was approaching, the door opened into blackness…..

_**And now, back to Roy….**_

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Yelled Roy as the first water balloon fell upon him. A mini fighter plane was dive-bombing him with water balloons, and he couldn't stop it! His gloves had been soaked by the first balloon that had bombed him. Ed's maniacal laughter rang in his ears, and he was sooooooo gonna pay….

_**And back to Dragon again….**_

"**EMI**! **I**'**M** **GONNA KILL YOU**!"

_**A few hours later….**_

Dragon and Roy sat in opposite corners of the room. The Fuhrer was still tap dancing…and singing…..

"**Shut up**," Dragon said irritably, and knocked the Fuhrer out with a well-aimed boot.

* * *

A/n- I haven't been on for a while…rediscovering Naruto, and breaking my pledge not to read yoai stuff again…..yes, good times, good times. I can officially say this is the first chapter I have written from one to two in the morning while listening to the Fruits Basket opening theme song…… 


	16. Strindberg and Helium

16. Strindberg and Helium

It was a gloomy day in Central. The birds were sleeping, the cats were eating, and Roy's entire office was at the indoor pool at the headquarters. Ed was staring stonily in a corner while Hughes and Havoc were bullying Fury into joining Roy so they could play Frisbee with two teams. Farman was reading a book in a different corner from where Ed was, while Hawkeye and Winry were having a pizza-eating contest. They were both covered in cheese, sauce, and other pizza toppings with Al becoming increasingly nervous as his chest plate continued to meow and bark at random.

"Must… eat… more pizza!" Winry muttered around a slice of mushroom. "Must… beat… Hawk-lady…"

Hawkeye was eating without speaking, but at Winry's words she choked and started coughing. Al forgot his animal woes and pounded her on the back while Winry continued to scoff the mushroom at an alarming rate.

"Chicken!" yelled Havoc. "You just don't want to play because you don't like dogs!"

"I do to like dogs!" Fury yelled back.

"Then how come you won't play one of their favorite games?" Roy queried with a smirk.

"Who says I won't?" Fury asked furiously.

"You did," Hughes said and grinned. He was sure this would make Fury blow up.

He was right. Fury exploded in a cacophony of curses and abusive language. Over the tumult of noise, Havoc asked Hughes, "Where do you think he learned all that stuff?"

Hughes was in shock, but managed to quip, "Not from you, surely."

Roy, however was laughing like a maniac. "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! You're funny! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Shut up!" Ed yelled.

"We are already in hell," said a strange, dark man with a pink balloon floating around his head.

"Hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!" The pink balloon chimed in.

"The world is at an end. Children and happiness have manifested themselves in the worst ways imaginable. We will all die," the man continued to monologue mournfully.

"Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" the pink balloon said cheerfully.

Roy started laughing again. "Who are you?" Hughes asked over the loud laughter.

"Strindberg."

"Strindberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggg!"

"August Strindberg."

"Strindberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggg!"

"And this… is Helium."

"Heliummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!"

"They're both nuts," Ed commented. "Throw them in the pool."

"They're funny!" laughed Roy and Hughes.

"Absinthe is my only vice left in this world," Strindberg said sadly. " The world smells of decay."

"Decayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

"Women are man's greatest enemy."

"Strindberg happy tonight… Strindberg happy tonight…"

"Shut up, will you?" Ed snapped.

"I have slaved over the hellish flames all day…" mumbled Tall, Dark, and Gloomy.

"Whatever," snorted Ed, and without further ado, pushed him into the pool. He sank straight to the bottom and disappeared. Helium disappeared as well.

"That was completely pointless," Fury said wryly.

"Yup," Ed agreed.

* * *

A/n- Did ya miss me? Huh? Did ya? I had a bad case of writers' block. That and I went to India, Thailand, and Japan for a month. Japan was just a layover to go on to Bangkok, Thailand, though. So we didn't stay long.

Strindberg and Helium...haha, they're funny. Look them up on google, there are four hilarious movies on them.

Review! I demand you review! And yes, I'm not in this chapter.


	17. Nothing is here

17. Nothing is here

"So…..why are we stalking banana peels and grey buildings?"

Roy sighed patiently. This was the twentieth time Ed had asked, and the reply was always the same.

"Because you unleashed our Overlord's sister's seaweed-eating-crazy-stampeding-cheesetiedtotheirfeet-chickens on our Overlord."

"Who's the Overlord?"

"Dragon."

"Oh yeah?"

"**Damn right**."

"Oh, uh, didn't see you there Dragon!"

Dragon glared at Ed, scaring him very badly. "**Well duh, I should think not. I was invisible.**"

"Why were you invisible?"

"**Because Jak** **can** **turn invisible, and it's cool, so I learned how, too.**"

"Who's Jak?"

"**You ask to many questions.**"

"Yeah, I know. So, who's Jak?"

WHACK. Roy sniggered. "Ed got floored, Ed got floored," he chanted.

"Ed got floored? Awesome! Who did it?" Havoc asked excidtedly.

Dragon grinned. "**Me,**"she said cheerfully. "**He annoyed me so I hit him. It's fun."**

Havoc stared at her with a mixture of awe and worshipfulness. That's a long word. And this chapter has completely lost it's point.

* * *

A/n- Random thingie. Jak is from Jak + Daxter, Jak II, and Jak III. If you like any of those games, I suggest you read Risen demon. It's cool.

Review!


	18. Mysteriousmahemmaker comes for a visit

18. Mysteriousmayhemmaker comes for a visit

It was a random day in Eastern. Scar was stalking alchemists, Ed was plotting to overthrow Roy, Roy was plotting to humiliate Ed, Havoc was smoking, a random dog chased a random cat, and mysteriousmahemmaker was stalking her sister as she walked to the office, humming the Mission Impossible theme song under her breath.

"**For the last time… will you just shut up?**" snarled Dragon.

MMM just continued humming as she stared at her sister with narrowed eyes. Then she switched from MI to Jaws.

"Dun dun… dun dun… dun dun, dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!"

Dragon slapped herself and just stood there a minute with her hand covering her face, taking deep breaths and counting to ten to keep herself from murdering her little sister. It was a hard fight. She barely managed to keep herself from losing it.

Fury came happily skipping around the corner. "Hi Dragon!" he said cheerfully, then noticed MMM acting like the idiot she is. "Who's she?"

"**She,**" Dragon growled, "**is, unfortunately, my sister. She's been following me here humming Mission Impossible while pretending to stalk me. For an hour. A very _long_ hour.**"

"Wow," Roy said in awe as he stopped to see the strange sight before him. "I don't think I've ever seen you with such a bad attitude! This is amazing!"

MMM caught sight of Roy. "LIZ!" she shrieked. "IT'S ROY MUSTANG! HE'S SO TOTALLY AWESOME! CAN I KEEP HIM!"

"Hell no!" Roy said, perturbed by this request.

"**Oh no**," groaned Dragon, and her hand made contact with her face again.

MMM looked taken aback, then glared at Roy. She _slowly_ reached into her pocket, and _slowly_ pulled out something very familiar.

A seaweed-eating cheese-tied-to-its-feet chicken.

Dragon shuddered. Roy went white with shock. Then started to run. Very, very fast.

MMM cackled at the sight of Roy fleeing for safety and stuffed the chicken back into her pocket. She then proceeded to resume stalking her sister while humming.

"Wow!" Fury shouted. "She's cool! Can I keep her?"

Dragon looked startled, then grinned evilly. "**Sure,**" she replied wickedly. She snapped her fingers. Chains sprang out of the air and tied up MMM, who was still humming and not paying any attention to what was going on. The chicken popped out of her pocket, and proceeded to wander around aimlessly, terrorizing a few passers-by.

Fury took hold of a chain end trailing around on the floor, and lead MMM to the office, Dragon following behind them. Upon entering, everyone stopped what they were doing, stared at the strange sight, then went back to whatever it was they had been doing.

Fury opened the door to the closet, and shoved MMM inside, who was still staring at Dragon and humming.

"**Well, that takes care of that**," Dragon said cheerfully. "**I always did hate her. Still do, actually.**"

* * *

A/n- Okay, this is the third chapter I've written today. I'm getting scared… 


	19. The things Ed hates

19. The things Ed hates

It was Ed's usual pastime every afternoon between one and two to contemplate the things he hated and despised the most. Rainbows, milk, cats, Roy Mustang, cows, idiots, Roy Mustang… did he forget to mention Roy Mustang?

He hated rainbows… because of Roy Mustang.

He hated milk because it was a vile and despicable substance that destroyed everything it touched; just think of his poor, poor jacket!

He hated cats… well, he didn't know why he hated cats. He just knew he hated them.

He hated Roy Mustang. Of course he hated Roy Mustang. Everyone hates their bosses. Not to mention that Mustang insulted him on a daily basis, called him short, sent him on missions that eventually resulted in angry mobs or things being blown up, and owned rainbows. I mean, who would honestly think of taking over something that children enjoyed so much?

Roy Mustang.

Cows… he hated them because they made milk, and everyone knows that milk is a vile and despicable substance that destroys everything it touches.

And he hated idiots because… well, they were annoying! Like Daxter in that one video game.

He hated Roy Mustang. He took over innocent things. He insulted him. He was lower than the lowest of the low- which would be Roy. Just thinking about this made him angry.

"Niisan?"

"Yes Al?"

"You're turning red. Are you sure you shouldn't go to anger management classes?"

* * *

A/n- Some reflective thinking on Ed's part. If anyone can guess how Roy took over rainbows, I'll give them a cookie!

REVIEW!


	20. Yay! It's my twentieth chapter!

20. Yay, this is my twentieth chapter!

A shadow was creeping along the corridor… in the middle of the night… at Central HQ…

DUN DUN DUN.

It didn't make a sound… except for some high pitched giggling noises…

DUN DUN DUN.

It reached the door to Roy's office…

"**HAHAHAHA!**" cried someone as she triumphantly flicked on the hall lights. "**I FINALLY CAUGHT YOU! YOU ARE NOW _MINE_!**"

The little shadow squeaked and ran through the door, interrupting a very obviously late night meeting. It began to race around the floor in a frenzied panic, startling the office's inhabitants. All of which instantly jumped up reaching for whatever weapons they chose to use.

A black-coated figure appeared at the door and neatly snagged up the little shadow-thingie in a net. She cackled crazily and began to do a random war-slash-victory dance, which involved lots of randomly running around the room.

"GAH! Who the hell are you!" Ed yelled frustratedly, though slightly disorientedly. He had obviously been dozing through the meeting.

The figure continued to do the insane war-slash-victory dance.

"**MUAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM YOUR CRAZY ARCH-NEMESIS! BUAHAHAHAHA!**" she cried.

"Hey, I think this is Dragon!" Havoc yelled animatedly. "Do you think it was coffee or beer that made her this crazy?"

The black-coated person stopped dancing, and roared in fury at the hapless smoker. "**HOW DARE YOU! I AM NOT THAT CRAZY INSANE GIRL! NO! I AM MERELY HER BEST FRIEND! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!**"

Everyone present sweat-dropped.

"Talk about the pot calling the kettle black," Hughes muttered to no one in particular.

"**HAH! I HEARD THAT!**"

"**AH! 'Drea! FOR THE LAST TIME! STOP JUMPING AROUND INTO THESE FANFICS!**" and with that, Dragon popped into existence with an exasperated look on her face.

"Wait… so she isn't you?" cried poor Havoc who still hasn't gotten it.

"**No. She's my best friend, but on a sugar high with caffeine and the thought of a sadistic bad guy from one of our favorite video games dressed in a pink dress.**"

"Cool!" yelled Fury.

Everyone just stared at him. 'Drea just stood there with a look of profound surprise on her face while Dragon looked like a fish out of water. They looked at each other and 'Drea turned green while Dragon cracked up.

"**YOU DON'T KNOW HOW _WRONG_ THAT JUST SOUNDED, DO YOU!**" 'Drea gasped out, still looking sick.

"**Omg… Omg… Omg…**" Dragon gasped out, laughing her head off.

"**DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!**"

"**AHAHAHAH! Erol in a pink dress… Hahahahahahaha…**" Dragon rolled along the floor in hysterics.

'Drea swayed drunkenly and ran for the kitchen part of the office. They could hear gurgling sounds. A clank was heard as she dropped the net, and the little thing that had been running around the room ran out the door.

"**Ahahahaha…**"

"Well," Roy said, and blinked dazedly like an owl. "That was… informative."

Fury started laughing.

"What's so funny?" asked Ed.

"The look… on the Lieutenant… hahahaha… Colonel's… face… oh, hahahahahaha," Fury gasped out, laughing like a maniac.

Ed took a look. "Hey," he said, sounding surprised. "You're right! He looks hilarious!"

And with that, the entire office broke into laughter as they took a look at Roy's stunned and disbelieving face.

* * *

A/n- Awww, I mock poor Roy in this chapter… Oh well! I'm still cracking up about the Erol in a pink dress thing. It's from… Whoever laughs last by Weiila. 

Okay. Naughty naughty reviewers. Sorry Hayvel, you didn't guess correctly. And Werecat Rei, I can't just _give_ you a cookie! You had to guess the correct answer. The correct answer can be found… I don't know. I forgot which fanfic it was from! But it's out there somewhere. Anyway, it's because of this thing where the first three colors of the rainbow are:

**R**ed

**O**range

**Y**ellow

Got it? Good!

Okay, now that that's over… **REVIEW!** I won't write if I don't get any reviews!


	21. Never play video games with Ed

21. Never play video games with Ed

Cheep-cheep-_BOOM!_ Cheep-cheep-_BOOM!_

"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Cheep-cheep-_BOOM!_ Cheep-cheep-_BOOM!_

"DIE, YOU DAMN, DIRTY LITTLE BOMB WIELDING PUNY IDIOTIC MINIATURE RATS! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"What's he going on about now, Fury?" Hawkeye asked disinterestedly as strains of Ed's voice floated down the hall.

"I, uh, believe he is playing video games, sir- eh, ma'am," Fury babbled meekly.

"Haha, kill the liddle buggers Ed! Kill them! KILL THEM!" Havoc yelled from where he and Ed were playing Windwaker.

"DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!" Ed roared in savage glee as he hacked at rats with bombs.

That's right. Rats with bombs. You know, when you go to the Forsaken Fortress a second time and all the rats like to throw bombs at you?

Roy walked into the room. "What are they doing?" he asked, horrified. "Are they blowing up rats, or something?"

"No, Colonel, they are playing video games."

"Oh! It's Windwaker, isn't it? That's the only thing with rats throwing bombs! I think…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ed howled as the rats with bombs ended Link's life.

"HA! Now it's MY turn to play!" Havoc yelled joyfully.

"Okay, okay, let me save my game," snarled Ed.

"Yeah, you better, 'cause I'm gonna get all the best things and it'll wipe you out!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE'S THE SIZE OF A MICROSCOPIC ANT WITH A BRAIN SO TINY YOU COULDN'T FIND IT ON A PINPOINT!" Ed roared furiously.

"Uh… I just said I'd wipe you out-"

"IS THAT A THREAT!"

"Calm down, Fullmetal, we all know that despite your size, your lungs are normal," Roy smirked.

"Shut up, Mustang, or I might be tempted to show these people what you look like when you can't snap to save your life!"

"Oh, you mean these?" Roy said innocently, waving a handful of pictures that showed him being dive-bombed by mini airplanes.

For the second time in this story, Ed looked like a fish as he gaped at the picture Mustang made: haughty smirk, an air of confidence, never at loss for the right smart-ass comment…

Ed snapped.

_** Dun dun dun…**_

* * *

A/n- Muahahaha! You will never know what happens to Roy! Until…the next chapter…

I hope this will make Ed less out of character, Snophlake Cat.

Me has been busy because my friend left for somewhere(can't remember) and lent us her Gamecube… thus, the video game part… And before that, I had to go to Monterey because my parents had some weird seminar thing for teachers(my Dad's the principal of one of the major high schools down here, my mom is a learning director for Clark Intermediate) for four days. We were at a five star hotel… not as nice as the one in Lima, though…


	22. What happens next

22. What happens next.

Everyone promptly evacuated the room, for safety and to get away from Ed's insanity, making sure to close the door behind them. They didn't want a pissed-off Ed following them after finishing off Roy.

…none to soon, it turned out, as a muffled tirade was heard. Ed's voice was predominate, and they couldn't hear Roy at all.

"Man, he's really ticked this time," Hughes whispered in awe.

"You got that right," Havoc said in equal astonishment.

"I wonder if the colonel will be all right," Fury said worriedly.

"He'll get what's coming to him, all right. He's had it in for him for years," Hawkeye said with a sigh.

Not to long after, there was the sound of something opening, then a yelp of horror. Then silence.

They continued to wait for some time after the yelp, just to be sure, they told each other, but each privately knowing it was for safety. Finally, they gathered enough courage to open the door again, and saw Ed happily playing video games. He appeared to be wreaking havoc on the rat population of the Forsaken Fortress.

"Ummm… Ed? Where's Roy?" Hawkeye asked timidly(wow, she's timid?).

"He took a flying lesson!" Ed exclaimed jubilantly.

"'Flying lesson'?" repeated Hawkeye.

"Yep!"

Recalling the sound something being opened, they all slowly turned to the window. It stood looking innocent, then sinister as the room went black and it stood alone with the curtains blowing in a non-existent wind.

Hawkeye clapped, and the lighting returned to normal, while the window returned to its typical, non-sinister look. Then she walked to the edge and looked down. Two stories. To a blue figure sprawled on the cement below.

"Ouch, that's gotta hurt," Havoc said, wincing in sympathy.

Hawkeye promptly shot a hole in the wall next to his head. Everyone but Hawkeye, Ed, and Havoc started. Hawkeye, because she shot the gun, Ed, because he was off in happy land, and Havoc, because he was too terrified to move.

"Everyone, get down there and check the colonel." Everyone promptly jumped out the window except Havoc, landing less-than-gracefully on Roy. Hawkeye grabbed Fury by the collar as he went past her. "Fury, call 911. Get moving Havoc, you're not dead."

Fury instantly commenced in snatching his cell phone out of his pocket, and hastily dialed 9-1-1. Havoc, white and shaking, moved cautiously out of the room, then raced down the stairs, somehow being the only person using any sense. Maybe he was terrified of never getting to see the women employees in miniskirts.

Somehow, the ambulance got there amid the confusion of the game of "dog pile on Roy!" and Fury having the guts to own a cell phone.

Everyone but Ed was now currently waiting in the waiting room at the hospital in the ER. A nurse came out.

"We've got news for you," she stated.

"What is it?" asked Hawkeye.

"I don't know," said the nurse.

"You don't?" Fury asked confusedly.

"No, the doctors do," the nurse explained.

"Hey! I know!" Hughes exclaimed.

"You do?" the nurse asked, startled.

"Yes!" Hughes said proudly. "I'm in Intelligence. It's my job to know these things."

"Well, then, what is it?" Hawkeye asked, frustrated.

Hughes looked blank. "What is what?"

"The news on Roy!"

"Uh… what news on Roy?"

BANG.

The nurse looked at the smoking crater that was now Hughes, and ran in terror back into the room, slamming the door shut behind her. Hawkeye holstered the gun with a tic mark pulsing over her eye.

Havoc rubbed the back of his head, while eyeing the door to the room the nurse ran into. "Eheheheheheh…" he said, and bolted.

The others slowly started edging away from Hawkeye…

…they disappeared. Damn, all my characters have vanished!

Hawkeye was left standing in the room, fuming in anger.

A doctor cautiously popped his head out of the room, where he had seen Havoc and the nurse rock in fetal position after coming in from the place Hawkeye was currently occupying.

"Excuse me… miss Hawkeye? We have the results of the examinations," he said nervously.

"You do? Show me," Hawkeye ordered.

"Well then… Mr. Mustang appears to be suffering from several broken ribs and a concussion. He acquired the concussion before the broken ribs; we aren't sure how he managed to break so many, if he only fell from a two-story window."

"How many did he actually break?"

"Ehem, excuse me, he smashed three, broke one, and fractured two."

Riza muttered something.

"Excuse me, didn't catch that," the doctor said instantly.

She glared at him.

"Uhhh… never mind." He could see why his nurse and the unidentified man currently needing psychological help needed it. This woman was terrifying.

"Great," she said abruptly. "When will he be able to leave?"

"Oh… two, three months?"

"Will he be able to do paperwork?"

And so, all during his hospital leave, Roy did paperwork.. He swore up a storm when he heard about it.

Let's just say… Ed's doomed. To hell.

* * *

A/n- Muahahahahahahahahaha! A LONG chappie, don't you think? The second wordiest one I've written… I think. Let me check.

Nope! Chapter two still has one thousand two hundred fifty eight.

Anyway, how you like? And I want reviews from ALL of you… I've got a list of people who's got this on their favorites list. And they are:

Amy Yuy(I love you!)

Animeluver53

Ayumi Sohma

Baby Kat Snophlake

Colonel Band Nerd

FantasyFreak(this is me in my taste of books)

finalfantasys-child

Hayvel the Great and Awesome

Hopeless-Savage

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mysteriousmayhemmaker(my sister)

Not a Shrimp(There's a website with the same name!)

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ShinobiCat(cool name…)

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Unsane Chibi(now I'm scared…)

I love you all, but you guys **need to review!** Otherwise I won't update.

Anyway, as you guys know(or should know), I am now an editor for Red Mage 04's Risen Demon. School has also started, and geometery is going to be the death of me. I won't be able to update that much, but I'll try to do it at least every month. Sorry!

Luv ya!


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